~Live for Self~

~Reclaiming My Heart~ Part 3 of the Healing Heart Series

It’s amazing to see what happens when you show up for your life.

When you’ve come out of a toxic relationship or marriage, an abusive one, self-image/self-esteem is often marred. The person you see in the mirror has been shaken. You’ve become emotionally discouraged, angry, and bitter. Now it’s time to face that person in the mirror and build yourself back up. Not allowing our situations and circumstances to make us stagnant in life. These situations are our stories to tell, they are our platform to engage with others who may be facing or have faced that same person in the mirror. It’s time to de-tox the negative feelings and remove the disorientation that always seems to follow a betrayal. It’s time to surrender to change! It’s time to embrace your self-worth!

Self-esteem is what you think about yourself in your heart of hearts—not the role you play, the dance you do or the mask you wear in front of others, but who you are when you look in the mirror and really see yourself. Your self-esteem takes the elevator and depending on what is going on in your life, how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking, determines which direction it will go and where it will stop. Your self-esteem is driven by many factors and gained by a host of sources. Parents, family, friends, your boss, co-workers, and other important persons in your life. Accomplishments, successes, life events all factor into how you see and feel about yourself.

Your self-esteem was probably in the basement after your abusive/toxic or any broken relationship dissolved, maybe it still is. Feelings of depression, anger, frustration, powerlessness, worthless, unloved, stupid or any number of painful emotions are certain to rear their ugly head. But being in touch with your feelings will help clue you into low self-esteem. I’ve ridden that elevator so I know what it’s like to get stuck between floors and wondering if you’ll ever make it to the top. So how do you raise your self-esteem? The most effective way is through personal achievement. (the result of successful, positive risk-taking)and doing for others. Anything that helps you feel better about yourself. Reaching a goal, getting that raise or promotion, buying someone a meal, volunteering, etc… (this was my personal favorite, volunteering for different organizations gave me a self-worth booster every time. I always felt renewed and energized, I had made a difference in someone else’s life.) are just a few examples of activities that will increase your level of self-esteem. Now I challenge you to go out and feel good about yourself.

Self-talk can also increase/decrease your self-esteem. For example, when you feel like you are worthless, if you say to yourself, ”I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’m a failure, nobody likes me,” you will feel much worse about yourself. On the other hand, if you say to yourself, “I’m a kind person, my friends all like me, I did something good for someone today, I am good at playing the piano,”(my personal talent) you will inevitably think better of yourself. Positive self-talk can and should include physical descriptions of yourself, reflections of what others think of you, compliments they have been given and positive accomplishments. Don’t use put-downs or thinking negatively about, minimizing or discounting the positive things you’ve done. You owe it to yourself to be proud of the person in the mirror.

Self-esteem is a basic issue for women. Because our culture devalues women, we fight feelings of inadequacy or struggle with self-doubt. The broken relationship left us feeling dirty and somehow at fault. We were forced to cope in ways that left us feeling worse about ourselves and even more ashamed. There’s that constant nagging voice that says you didn’t do enough. Feelings about ourselves will fluctuate. One minute you’ll be in the penthouse feeling good about yourself, self-critical feelings lying dormant, the next you’re stuck between floors again, if not in the basement. A life change, loss, an argument, suddenly cause you to lose touch with the good and positive side of you. The self-love you’ve meticulously nurtured seems unattainable. Self-hate erupts and oozes through the cracks of the elevator door (seemingly our mind, will, and emotions) causing self-doubt to filter in. (I’ll never amount to anything, I set limits and boundaries but why do I feel abandoned, I’ll never love again, why do I feel wrong for taking care of myself) those were some of the self-doubt statements I use to use. Self-esteem is experienced in the moment and sense of self will fluctuate as we move through the healing process. Feelings of shame, self-hate and powerlessness are bottled up with the memories of our abuse, and as the memories seep through so do these feelings.

Healing isn’t just about pain. It’s about learning to love ourselves. As we move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor; hope, pride, contentment and vindication will shine through. Grieve for your past, but forge a more gentle, loving relationship with yourself. It’s not going to be easy, it gets easier, but never easy.

I use to think that nothing I said or did counted and my opinion didn’t matter. I’d go out of my way to find things in my life that reinforced the negative things my exes would say about me, things they had me believing about myself. It took some time for me to acquire the characteristics of being my own women, of not letting other people dominate me, my skills, talents or ideas. Things have changed over the years, I am more confident about who I am, I’ve reclaimed self. I carry a boldness and strength with me now that only comes from nurturing my self-esteem/self-worth. I put people in my circle that mirrors me positively. I have a bright optimistic point of view on life. Cultivate self! Ride that elevator to the top and only make stops in between as needed.

Let it hurt! Let it bleed! Let it heal! And let it go!!

Choose to be motivated, not manipulated. To be useful, not used. To excel, not compete. Choose self-esteem, not self-pity. Listen to your inner voice, not the random opinion of others.

Know your worth and stop giving people discounts.