“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” An old cliché that should really read, “ Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me.”Bones will mend and heal, they will in time regain the strength they had before the break. Wounds heal, but more often than not they leave scars. Physical, visible scars can be covered up or rubbed out. But there’s a wound that goes much deeper, a wound that oozes infinitely, a wound that leaves a scar that no amount of bio-oil will correct.
I have that scar. Its the scar of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse leaves few physical scars. Its victims suffer no broken bones, torn flesh, or spilled blood. Still, it is some of the most painful and destructive forms of domestic violence. I had the broken bones, the torn flesh, that came with the physical abuse I encountered as well. It was all quickly overshadowed by the emotional abuse that left me with a broken spirit, a torn confidence, and spilled emotions. His cruel words, malicious mind games, and harsh put-downs had been a problem for most of our marriage. The constant emotional abuse kept me on a roller-coaster ride of what if’s, how comes, and why’s?
You first need to understand that the occasional angry outburst that most relationships have are normal and even healthy. So don’t confuse it with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes, or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation, or fear. As are more subtle tactics such as refusing to be pleased with anything, isolating an individual from family and friends, and invalidating their thoughts and feelings.
Emotional abuse is rampant in our culture, and no one is immune. While the emotionally abusive relationships (yes, that is plural), I was subjected to, not only in my first marriage but my second as well. (obviously being drawn to the wrong kind of men), took a circumstantial toll on me. Not even realizing it till some years later. This type of domestic abuse within marriage is particularly destructive. The intimate nature of our marriage relationship presented individualized challenges. Even before my second marriage took place, I became pregnant and he wanted me to abort. Not something I would even consider under any circumstance. That’s my personal belief.
I’m not going to go into all the discrete details of the abuse within my marriages, at least not now. The main thing is I am a survivor, I stood strong through it all and came out on top. I have 5 wonderful children from those marriages, children that I would move Heaven and Earth for. They are all adults now and have children of their own, but I’d still sacrifice as much today as I did then while they were home. Because God blessed me with something beautiful out of the broken. He gave me beauty for ashes.
Despite its everyday occurrence, few of us recognize it, identify it, or even do anything about it. It has a destructive nature. Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate, and subjugate another that usually occurs behind closed doors. The effects of emotional abuse are often crippling. They include depression, confusion, difficulty concentrating, and making decisions, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and poor physical health. There comes a critical time in each person’s life when the truth is accessible. Faced with it, you can either run and hide, deny it, or you can face your truth, accept it, and grow stronger, I faced it, I accepted it, I made optimism a way of life and my faith in myself and life grew deeper and more concrete. I recognized it and was able to get out of the second marriage faster and easier than the first.
Your abuser may be a spouse, a boss, a family member, or a friend. You may have tried to ignore it, deny it and fix it. Perhaps you have even tried to accept it. But it hasn’t worked. This is your moment of truth. Tell yourself the truth. Denial is a hallmark of abuse. It’s time to reveal the reality of a potentially abusive relationship. Admit you are being abused and recognize the damage it’s doing or has done. Emotional abuse is common–yet often overlooked.
There is no one-size-fits-all prescription for healing. Healing is a lengthy and sometimes difficult journey fraught with emotional pitfalls. Research has shown that healthy social connections contribute to better overall health. It’s taken me 20 long years to learn to trust people and to form healthy friendships, something I still struggle with daily. It has gotten easier, but it’s still not easy. The deeper the wound, the more private the pain. I’m not one to wear her heart on her sleeve. So beneath the surface is a woman whose pain runs deep. I’ve watched my tears go down the shower drain and wore my smile as my mask. Ask me if I’m ok and I’ll always respond, “I’m good.” Learning to embrace heartbreak and grief is key in order to be able to love again, not only others but yourself first.
Rebuild your self-image with forgiveness. Forgiveness is not denying or excusing the damage caused by abuse. We forgive because God forgave us. When we forgive, we allow God to heal us. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgive your abuser and yourself, if necessary. I’ll talk more about forgiveness in a later article. But for now, know to be able to forgive is the most important step to healing. I can appreciate this because I’ve exercised this skill. Forgiveness is a way forward.
I saw it! I stopped it! I survived it! And I am stronger today because of it!
