Part 1
When you’re seventeen and a senior in High School, the horizon is full of possibilities. College and an Educational degree being one of those. As young as six years old I always dreamed of being a teacher and knew by the time I was eleven that would be my goal for the next 6 years. In my junior year of High School, my goal was on target. But by the second semester of my senior year…life began to take on a whole new dimension. Not that college wasn’t still an option, it just got put on the back burner.
You see, I met a guy. (now you’re probably thinking, say no more) We met in January, got engaged in March, and 6 months later we’re married. Oh, he made me feel like the sun rose and set on me. But only after a few months of marriage that soon began to fade. His true colors began to emerge. He became controlling, manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive. And college was now in my rearview mirror. He became jealous of my wanting to pursue a higher education and blocked every initiative I had to do so. After a year of marriage, I managed to convince him to let me go to business college for a business/management degree. If I couldn’t get my educational degree, I was determined to get an associate’s degree, so I chose Business Management. I knew that somewhere down the road it would come in useful.
The bottom line, I was in a toxic marriage for 8 years. As it is for most women or men, who are in abusive relationships, getting out is challenging. There were a number of things that hindered me from leaving, no matter how much I wanted to. So many stories I could share… but long story short, 2 children and 8 years later, I was given the freedom I sought after. He finally filed for divorce and while it was not a speedy one, I was able to close the last chapter of that book.
Don’t fall into a relationship with just anyone thinking you’ll find your way. My dream/s were quashed because I allowed a young women’s emotions to run rampant. Get your emotions in check before you make a commitment that could ruin parts of your life, if not all of it. Life is full of choices, and working through your options with a partner can be easier than making decisions yourself. However, you’ll be far happier weighing up options alone than with a domineering partner who wants to control you. Losing your independence erodes your self-esteem, so never settle for someone who demands you bend to their will.
When you’re single, you lose the emotional support that comes with having a partner. You need to be more emotionally resilient when you’re on your own, which can be tough. However, being with the wrong guy/or women is much worse, because they can cause extra problems. Toxic relationships can leave you emotionally scarred and scared to trust others. Feeling responsible for your own life can be daunting, but it’s much better than being with someone who tries to control you.
Don’t stay with someone just so you don’t sleep in an empty bed; waking up in the morning next to someone who isn’t committed to you is a horrible feeling. Loneliness can feel worse at night, but you’ll feel even lonelier with someone who isn’t right for you.
Perhaps you’ve dated someone not because they were a great match for you, but because they meant you didn’t have to spend time by yourself. In truth, it’s far better to be single than stuck with someone who doesn’t love you with all their heart. Learning to enjoy being in your own company is an important skill. When you accept and like yourself, you’ll find that time alone is precious, and you won’t want to give it up for just anyone. Once you get used to it, there’s nothing scary about solitude. On the other hand, there is definitely something terrifying about realizing your partner doesn’t respect or care about you. Spending time alone can be healing, but spending time with someone who doesn’t respect you is soul-destroying.
When you rescue yourself from someone’s life-controlling behavior, you finally have the time to reconnect with your true self. You had the courage to get out of the gaslighting trauma. Now you need time to heal. Loving yourself is the first step to healing from emotional trauma. Besides, when there’s no one to constantly hold your spirit down, nothing can stop you on your journey to self-growth. You saw through the surface and realized what you’ve been missing this whole time. Although they treated you horribly, they are the reason why you wouldn’t let anyone else treat you like this. Even though they made you feel like hell, now no one will have the power to bring you down and stop you from fulfilling your dreams.
Find gratitude in it all, because this detour in your life contributed to making you the strong person you are today. Now you wouldn’t even think about spending the rest of your days with someone who doesn’t appreciate you and makes you feel worthless.
Once you let go of the struggle and the pain that someone caused you, it’s time for you to rebuild your life. You will rise from the ashes. And you’re going to be truly thankful to the person who made you realize how much you were missing. The one you thought you’ll spend your whole life with, is the one who made you see clearly the true colors of people. The hurt you experienced does not have the power to keep you from being whole. You are still worthy of love and that love is greater than fear.
Our struggles are not our own. Women tend to be strong and confident on the outside, while we hide our struggles on the inside. One day at a time, one bridge at a time, you’ll learn to do what’s best for you. I know this because I’ve struggled in my personal journey, I know what it feels like to have loved and lost, to feel like you’re the only one. To lose hope and to think nothing will ever change. I also know the challenges of change but how life-changing they can be.
~Lisa~
